I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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