I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
