Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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