I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
