I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
