you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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