I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
