I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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