Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
