I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
