Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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