My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Randomize
