Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
