there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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