I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
