i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
