I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
