My hand turned me down
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
