If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize