U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
