would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
