I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
