My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
