I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
