He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Boobs are out for the taking
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
