then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
