So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize