also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
