My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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