I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize