wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
