So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
