My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
