she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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