Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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