I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
