No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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