its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
