He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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