all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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