Whatcha textin bout Willis?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize