She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
