Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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