Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
