this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
