plz talk dirty to me
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
