ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
