At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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