wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
