I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
