Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
