i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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