happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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