I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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