At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This is my gift to your gina
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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