I met the friendliest cop last night
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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