you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
