Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
