just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
