i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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