I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize