So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
