just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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